


Totally An Accident

by Anorlost



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M, Medical Procedures, Object Insertion, Rated M for Medical!, Sex Toys, horrible things happening to a darth vader figure, sex toys gone wrong, that doesn't go there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 03:25:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17014749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anorlost/pseuds/Anorlost
Summary: Ben paused for a moment, his hands twitching against the paper and crinkling it.  He began uncertainly, “My cousin…”“Yes?” asked Hux irately.“Put oil on the floor.  She was trying to prank me,” explained Ben.  “Which is why I slipped and fell on Darth Vader.”“And you fell so hard that not only was the figurine launched up your rectum, a large puddle of oil managed to splash its way precisely up your rectum and in your crack,” summarized Hux.“Yes!” said Ben desperately, “I mean, uh, you believe me right?”





	Totally An Accident

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Huxilicious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huxilicious/gifts).



> I wanted to do something original that wasn't a wip or my KBB project. I also wanted to post this alongside my KBB project since that one is dark and angsty. I should get back to my WIPs by February at the latest. I'm saying lots of goodbyes though since I'm making (another) international mood, so I've been too down to write much. I wanna write something I feel proud of and I know I can't turn out my best on my usual schedule if I'm in depression mode. 
> 
> Please bear with me a little longer. 
> 
> Also super special thanks to Huxilicious (SoftSolutionsTM on Twitter) for her medical expertise! I couldn't have written this without some very particular insight. And yes this was partially inspired by WTFIWWY, a podcast by RadioDeadAir which finds the best of the worst news for a laugh every week.

Totally an Accident

 

Hux looked down at the patient’s medical chart, then up at the patient, and then down at the chart again.  He didn’t look sick, and he didn’t look outwardly injured, but he wouldn’t have come into the ER if there was nothing wrong.  There was nothing out of the ordinary in his file, so if a typically healthy young man in his late twenties was coming by, that usually meant an accident.  Rereading the file again Hux saw the man’s complaint.  A split and fall, quite common and easy to handle when it came to younger people. 

“Ben Solo?” asked Hux. 

“Y-yeah,” said the man.  He looked up, embarrassed in Hux’s professional opinion, and tossed his National Geographic aside. 

“I can take a look at you now,” said Hux. 

Ben didn’t say anything.  He stood up and Hux immediately guessed what he’d injured most seriously.  Ben rose gingerly, bent over slightly, not really wanting to straighten out his back and he kept his feet conspicuously far apart.  He must have hurt his ass somehow.  Perfect.  What person didn’t love getting off their lunch and immediately poking around some stranger’s ass? 

“This way,” said Hux, nodding towards the hall with the examination rooms. 

“Hold up,” said Ben, moving slowly and carefully. 

Maybe it was an injured tailbone.  Hux hoped it was just an injured tailbone.  Those were easy to deal with compared to other injuries. 

Moving ahead Hux held the door open, “The chart says you fell and hurt yourself?” 

“Y-yeah…” said Ben, shuffling past. 

“Alright.  I’ll take your vitals and you can tell me more about what happened,” said Hux.  Ben didn’t seem distressed, but he clearly wasn’t physically or mentally comfortable.  A crackle of Velcro sounded through the room as Hux fastened the sphygmomanometer to Ben’s arm and began inflating the cuff to check Ben’s blood pressure.  It was a touch high compared to his charts.  Hux made a note of it and asked, “How are you feeling?” 

“Look, uh… I told the front desk lady that I fell but…” began Ben. 

“But?” asked Hux, pulling out his thermometer. 

“I’ll do that first…” said Ben, taking the thermometer and shoving it under his tongue. 

Not that the suspense was killing him, but Hux wanted this over with.  He took Ben’s pulse while he waited for the thermometer to finish.  When it beeped Hux took it back and noted that Ben’s temperature was fine, though his heart rate was up.  “I think you’ll be able to relax if you tell me what exactly is bothering you.” 

“Don’t get me wrong, I fell, but… see, I have a little cousin,” said Ben. 

This was clearly the beginning of a lie, but Hux humoured him.  “Go on.” 

“And… she has these little toys, and sometimes she leaves them out,” explained Ben. 

Hux arched his brow, ready to make more notes if needed. 

“I just had a shower, so I was walking around with my towel…” 

No.  He couldn’t possibly think this lie would work.  There was no way it was physically possible to-

“I slipped and fell, and when I landed one of her things went… up there.” 

Ben looked up at him sheepishly.  It was a transparent lie through and through.  Obviously Ben or someone else had shoved it up there.  It wasn’t possible to fall backwards and have a toy get sucked up his ass.  Still, it begged the question… 

“Did you take it out?” asked Hux. 

“W-well, that’s the thing.  I fell so hard that it…” 

This was not what he wanted to be doing after lunch.  Hux put his clipboard aside after making note of a foreign object insertion.  “So, let me see if I understand this correctly.  You took a shower, slipped and fell on a toy, and you fell on that toy so hard that it shot clean up your rectum so far that you can’t get it out?”

“Y-yes!  That’s it exactly!” said Ben, looking relaxed for the first time since entering the ER. 

‘ _He thinks I’m an idiot_ ,’ Hux thought to himself.  Still, there was a battery of questions he needed to get through.  “What’s it made of?” 

“I dunno, plastic?” guessed Ben. 

At least it wasn’t metal.  “Any abdominal pain, nausea or bleeding?” 

“No,” said Ben. 

Hux narrowed his eyes, “You fell on a toy so hard it launched itself up your rectum and there was no tearing?” 

“Uh…” muttered Ben, looking around nervously before shaking his head.  “No.  There just wasn’t.” 

“I assume you’ve tried to take it out,” said Hux. 

“Of course!” said Ben. 

“You didn’t use anything to try to get it out?” asked Hux. 

“Just… uh, fingers,” replied Ben. 

That was good, at least he hadn’t shoved anything in after the toy to try and get it out.  “How long has it been there?”  

“I came in as soon as I realized it was stuck, but there were lots of people ahead of me.  An hour and a half, maybe?” guessed Ben. 

“Right.  And what is it exactly?” asked Hux. 

“So, uh, you know Star Wars right?” asked Ben.  “It’s a… uh, you know Darth Vader?  It’s a little three inch figure…” 

Why someone would shove Darth Vader up their ass, Hux had no idea.  Ben rambled on, continuing to test Hux’s patience and intelligence, “My cousin collects them.  I kept telling her to put them away because someone could get hurt-” 

“Are there detachable parts or sharp points that I need to worry about?” interrupted Hux. 

“N-no,” said Ben. 

“Then I’m going to need you to lie down on your side there and get your pants off,” said Hux, retrieving a pair of gloves from the dispenser.  “I’m going to see if I can find it and make sure you didn’t damage the rectal wall.  It might be uncomfortable.  Let me know if there’s any pain.” 

“Right…” said Ben.  He limped over to the exam table and sent a crackling sound through the room as he lay down across the paper.  He looked over his shoulder and kept right on fibbing, “I told her to put them away when she finished.” 

“I’m sure,” said Hux, opening one of the cabinets to make sure he had a proctoscope.  He really, really hoped that he wouldn’t need it. 

It was a shame Ben was such a damnable idiot.  If he’d met the man at a bar Hux might have considered giving Ben his number.  He had a handsome enough face and was well-built.  However, Hux had met him here, in the ER, with a Darth Vader figurine shoved up his ass that Ben insisted on lying about.  It was a shame, but Hux supposed he was dodging a bullet.  Approaching and prodding Ben’s ass-cheeks apart carefully in the hopes of possibly seeing the unfortunate Vader’s feet sticking out, Hux found another surprise. 

“Mr. Solo?” asked Hux. 

“Y-yes…?” 

“Why is there oil here?” asked Hux. 

Ben paused for a moment, his hands twitching against the paper and crinkling it.  He began uncertainly, “My cousin…” 

“Yes?” asked Hux irately. 

“Put oil on the floor.  She was trying to prank me,” explained Ben.  “Which is why I slipped and fell on the Darth Vader.” 

“And you fell so hard that not only was the figurine launched up your rectum, a large puddle of oil managed to splash its way precisely up your rectum and in your crack,” summarized Hux. 

“Yes!” said Ben desperately, “I mean, uh, you believe me right?” 

Hux didn’t believe it for a damned second.  He lubricated his finger liberally and hoped the thing hadn’t gone in too deep.  If Hux couldn’t see it right away then he would have to get the proctoscope.  He worked his fingers past the ring of muscles, gently working Ben open so he could see inside.  To his dismay, Hux couldn’t see the figurine. 

“Just how far up do you think it went?” asked Hux. 

“I dunno…” said Ben. 

“Could you reach it with your own fingers when you tried to pull it out?” asked Hux. 

“Sort of,” said Ben. 

Hopefully it would slide out with enough lube.  Hux removed the gloves, going to get the proctoscope and a fresh pair.  “I’m going to insert something that will let me look inside.  Is it just too far to get a good grip or is it stuck on something?”

“Y-you’re gonna be careful, right?” asked Ben, looking over his shoulder with fretful eyes. 

By god this guy was pathetic…  Hux looked down at him and really, really wished that Ben hadn’t been his type.  Why did the good-looking ones always have to be insufferably idiotic?  And whimpy?  This guy looked like he could bench-press Hux if he wanted to but he was terrified of a little proctoscope.  Hux resisted a sigh and took a seat by the exam table, holding up the device so Ben could see it.  “This is how it works.  I’m going to slide it in with plenty of lubricant.  It’s got a light on the end so it should let me look around without hurting you.  If you’ve ever inserted anything before-”

“No!  I-I’m not into butt stuff.  This was just an accident,” insisted Kylo. 

A likely story.  Hux stood up and started coating everything generously in lube.  Ben was actually shaking a bit, the big baby.  The proctoscope wouldn’t hurt nearly as badly as shoving action figures up his ass.  Hux carefully worked it in and asked, “Feeling alright?” 

“It’s really cold,” said Ben. 

It couldn’t have been helped unfortunately.  Still, Hux specified, “Are you feeling comfortable though?” 

“It’s weird, but…alright I guess,” said Ben. 

Hux leaned down and looked through the end.  Luckily he found the figure’s tiny black feet.  Judging from the length of his instrument and Ben’s description it was just beyond the reach of his fingers, making it too difficult to grasp and remove.  The shape of the toy wasn’t helping either.  Hux hadn’t seen a picture of Darth Vader in a while, but if he recalled correctly action figures tended to have bigger torsos than legs, which would make it harder to pull out. 

“Well, the good news is I found it.  The bad news is that I won’t be able to reach in and pull it out just yet,” said Hux. 

“Wh-why not?  Is it stuck?” asked Ben. 

“First of all you’re going to need an X-ray.  I need to be able to see the shape of it, especially if there are any sharp edges, and where exactly its stuck so I can pull it out without hurting you,” explained Hux. 

“I could find a picture online, wouldn’t that be enough to pull it out?” asked Ben.

“Like you said, it’s in there pretty deep, and even if the toy didn’t have any edges I need to see where it is so I won’t poke anything I shouldn’t,” reported Hux as he pulled back.  “We have a few options.  Thankfully you don’t have any tearing or air trapped inside your abdomen, so your situation isn’t urgent.  After the X-ray we can try to insert a speculum to widen the anal cavity and see if we can work it out, or we can schedule a minor surgery.  You’ll be put under so you’ll go to sleep and then wake up with everything all fixed.” 

“Yeah, but I’m not sure insurance…” began Ben. 

“Ah,” said Hux regretfully. 

“So you have to use the stretchy thingy?” asked Ben. 

“Speculum, and yes,” said Hux.  Trying to hopefully prevent a future visit Hux gently broached, “You know, if this had been something with a flared base with a proper handle it would have been easier to take out.” 

“Y-yeah, but see, it was my cousin who just left her toys out…” said Ben, sticking to his ridiculous story. 

“And the oil,” Hux reminded him. 

“That too…” muttered Ben.

“If you’re too uncomfortable to walk to radiology then I can get you a wheelchair.  You’re also going to have to wear a gown.  Will you need assistance dressing?” asked Hux.  He wasn’t sure if Ben had been clothed or not when he stuck Darth Vader in his ass, but bending down to get his pants and shoes off was bound to be extremely uncomfortable.  Even if Ben was capable of getting dressed to come to the ER, he might not want to do it again. 

Ben looked Hux over as he slowly rolled himself into a position where he could stand up.  Clearly he was suspicious, and if Hux was a betting man he might have guessed that Ben was closeted.  Not that he really ought to be making assumptions about his patients’ private lives.  Hux tried to assure him, “I’m here to help you if you need it.  No judgement.” 

Well… verbal judgement.  Stuffing a Darth Vader toy up his ass with no way to get it out was really, really stupid. 

“I don’t want to go out there with my ass hanging out,” said Ben. 

Hux shrugged, “You can change in radiology, with help if you need it.  Would you like a wheelchair?” 

After a pause Ben replied, “Yeah, I think that would be better.” 

Hux nodded and went to borrow a chair, “Be back in a moment.” 

   ***  

Ben was silent as he was wheeled down the halls.  Unsurprisingly he opted to change into the gown privately, though Hux could hear pained groans and grunts almost immediately as he closed the door.  As stupid as Ben had been and as ridiculous as the lie was, Hux couldn’t help but feel a little bit sorry for the man.  Obviously this was a distressing and painful situation for him and he certainly hadn’t planned on being there. 

Calling through the door, Ben announced, “All dressed.” 

Hux slipped into the room to open the door that separated them from the X-ray equipment.  Waving him in, Hux directed Ben, “I need you to lie down.  I’ll put a lead pad on your legs and I can get the pictures I need.  How are you feeling?  Any pain?” 

“It just feels weird…” mumbled Ben, holding his gown closed behind his back.  “Is there any way to close this thing?” 

“There are more ties on the back.  It’s not perfect, but it gets the job done,” said Hux, approaching Ben from behind.  It seemed that Ben wasn’t terribly flexible, or was too uncomfortable to twist and bend to get all the ties.  He took the two between Ben’s shoulder blades in his hands and asked, “May I?” 

“Uh, yeah, sure…” said Ben, as if surprised that Hux was offering. 

Hux quickly tied the back of the gown.  Ben was mostly covered up, and if he sat in the wheelchair then nothing of note would be showing at all.  Moving to retrieve a lead pad he instructed, “Just lie on the table and I’ll take care of the rest.” 

Hearing a grunt from Ben, Hux assumed he was getting himself settled again.  Turning and holding the pad, he saw Ben playing with the gown, adjusting it and lifting it up off of his body.  Arching his brow, Hux approached with the pad and advised, “Just rela…” 

Settling the pad across Ben’s thighs, incidentally pulling the fabric taut, he noticed a slight bulge where one hadn’t been before.  Ben looked up at Hux looking guilty and terrified.  For Hux this was hardly the first time someone had gotten turned on by an exam, but for Ben it clearly wasn’t.  Hux adjusted the X-Ray so it was positioned over Ben’s hips and repeated, “Just relax.”

“’Kay,” said Ben, still playing with his gown as if he hadn’t been trying to hide anything. 

It didn’t take long for the pictures to be taken and it didn’t take an X-Ray tech to tell that there was, in fact, a three and a quarter inch opaque silhouette deep inside Ben’s rectum.  Placing the image over a black light Hux could see the outline of Darth Vader, standing at attention.  The toy’s arms were at its side, which meant that they might have been acting like a sort of barb catching on the rectal walls and anchoring the toy in place.  Thankfully the toy wasn’t wearing a cape, which Hux vaguely recalled this character having.  A plastic, detachable cape would have been a serious problem. 

The best thing to do would be to make sure Ben took a muscle relaxant, use a lot of lube, and east the toy out gently, being careful of the arms the whole time.  It would take time, twenty minutes for the relaxant to kick in and even more time to carefully remove the toy. 

Now to get Ben and discuss the procedure with him.  Hopefully he’d had a moment to calm down and collect himself.  For some patients it was embarrassing, and the first time it had happened Hux was scandalized, but time and patience had taught him that it was an involuntary reaction that patients never acted upon.  Nobody had ever been inappropriate with him and they’d been just as embarrassed by the situation as he was, so Hux learned to let it go, or at least treat it with the same annoyance as he did when dealing with blood and vomit. 

Poking his head in the door he told Ben, “I have what I need.  Are you ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” said Ben, sitting up slowly.  Hux walked over and snatched up the lead apron before it could fall to the floor.  The man seemed to have recovered, but he still fiddled with the gown. 

Hux gently broached, “Now that I know where it is and how it’s position so I think I can remove it.” 

“G-great.  I can’t wait to get it out,” said Ben quickly.  “I think it’s making…things…weird…” 

“Painful?” asked Hux. 

“N-no, I meant with the…um, things?” said Ben. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Hux, hoping to spare him a little embarrassment.  “Do you need the chair again?” 

“Uh, yeah, sure,” said Ben, who seemed relieved to have been given a way to escape the situation. 

“Alright, back in a moment,” said Hux. 

It really was a shame that Ben was such an idiot, as well as his patient.  If they had met casually and the man hadn’t insisted on lying through his teeth then Hux could have seen himself liking Ben.  Surprisingly this was the second time that Hux had entertained the thought and he really shouldn’t have.  Patients were patients and it always complicated things if they didn’t stay that way. 

Though he wasn’t going to be a patient forever… 

As soon as Hux thought of the possibility he recalled that Ben had willingly stuffed a Darth Vader figurine up his ass.  Not exactly the definition of sexy. 

He wheeled in the chair and Ben crawled into it.  Hux asked, “You’re not in pain?” 

“It doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel good either,” explained Ben. 

Ben was extremely lucky he hadn’t torn anything or created an air pocket in his abdomen.  If a little discomfort was all he was feeling then he really should consider himself fortunate.  As Hux brought Ben his clothing he asked, “I just have a question about the toy.  How flexible is it?” 

“What do you mean?” asked Ben, clutching his blue jeans, shirt and running shoes in his lap. 

“Can you move its arms and legs?” amended Hux. 

“Its shoulders and hips have joints, but they can only move around in a circle, they can’t move out,” explained Ben. 

“I can perform the procedure myself in the examination room,” explained Hux. 

“Um, about that,” said Ben as Hux rolled him out into the hall.  He lowered his voice, constantly looking about for other patients or staff.  When he thought he was in the clear he continued, “Do you have to…with your hand?” 

“It’s the best way to get it out.  Or is it me that you object to?” asked Hux. 

“N-no!  I mean, you’re fine it’s… maybe there’s a tool or something?  I’ve just never had a person poking around there…” explained Ben. 

Hux resisted the urge to piteously call Ben a ‘sweet summer child.’  Hopefully if Ben was interested in exploration this wouldn’t traumatize him away from his sexuality.  So Hux insisted, “I assure you I’ll be perfectly professional.  Using my hand is the safest and will give me the best grip.  If you’re uncomfortable you can call and have a friend or relative to stay nearby.” 

“No, they’d just laugh,” said Ben sullenly.  “Especially my mom.” 

“Ah,” said Hux. 

“So… um, where are you from?  Australia or…?” Ben guessed. 

“Northern Ireland,” corrected Hux with some ire.  Australian indeed… 

“I knew it wasn’t here.  Your accent’s c…” Ben trailed off, muttering an additional adjective that Hux couldn’t make out. 

“I suppose it’s different,” said Hux, bringing Ben back to his room.  “I’ll need you back on the table.  You can stay in any position you like.  I’m going to give you a muscle relaxant to take and it’ll take twenty minutes to kick in.  Then I’ll have you lie down and we can start.” 

“’Kay,” said Ben. 

Embarrassment was probably why Ben’s answers were so clipped, but at least he was trying to make small talk.  If Ben sat there and said nothing while the muscle relaxant did its work then they would have been in for an awfully awkward twenty minutes.  Hopefully he’d also recovered from his whatever had aroused him earlier.  It could have been anything really, nurses and doctors were a fetish, but so was examination, careful attention and even being photographed.  As much as Hux appreciated the occasional boost to his ego he knew arousal for patients was often based more on the situation than whoever they happened to be with. 

There was also the three inch figurine that kept threatening to hit Ben’s prostate.  That may have also had something to do with it. 

Bringing Ben back to the room, the man slowly rose and levered himself into a position where he was leaning against the bed.  He didn’t need to sit down, he hadn’t even needed to get out of the chair, but Ben was welcome to stay however he was most comfortable.  It didn’t take Hux long to bring him a muscle relaxant and a cup of water.  He advised Ben, “That’s going to make you relax, so you may want to make sure you’re not in any danger of falling.” 

“Like, knock me out?” asked Ben, who stopped as he was about to take the pill. 

“No, just make your muscles relax.  You don’t need to be asleep for this at all,” explained Hux. 

“So, like what the dentists use?” asked Ben. 

“Not exactly, you’ll still feel everything, you’ll just relax and feel a bit sluggish,” elaborated Hux. 

Ben nodded, taking the pill and swallowing down the water in a single gulp.  Hux checked the clock on the wall.  All they had to do now was wait for twenty minutes. 

Deciding he might have been better off on the exam table after all, Ben hoisted himself up and sat down with a wince.  He frowned and looked at Hux, “Look…it was all an accident, you believe me, right?” 

The only accident was that Ben had wound up in the ER.  There was no doubt in Hux’s mind that Ben shoved it up his own ass completely intentionally.  Ben continued, “I’m not into weird, creepy stuff.” 

“Even if you were, it’s not weird or creepy to masturbate that way,” said Hux.  At the mention of masturbation Ben’s ears reddened.  Hux shrugged, “You think you’re the first person to wind up here with something stuck where it shouldn’t be?  It’s absolutely common.  You could probably search it online and get hundreds of thousands of results.” 

“B-But it was an accident,” insisted Ben.  “Because of my cousin…” 

“I doubt your cousin had this in mind when she ‘pranked’ you,” said Hux, who knew there was no prank involved.  “But if ever you or someone you know thinks this might be a good ‘prank,’ then you need to know that you need an instrument with a flared base, preferably one manufactured specifically for the purpose.” 

“No, no you don’t get it!” protested Ben.  “I’m not into butt stuff.  I don’t use those things either, they’re…” 

Ben was probably going to finish by saying something about it being immoral but trailed off.  Hux resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  If Ben was going to masturbate and break social taboo anyways he might as well do it safely and not shove children’s playthings up his rectum.  Ben must have also realized that he had cornered himself and stayed quiet. 

“I’m not saying you are or you aren’t, I’m saying that Darth Vader isn’t designed for pleasuring the human anus,” said Hux dryly. 

Ben snorted back a laugh for the first time since he’d come in, so Hux counted that as a victory.  Now that he was in a better mood Hux continued, “Maybe you know someone who might need to hear this.  If someone’s going to do that, then they need to use the right tool, otherwise they might get hurt.” 

At least Ben was open to listening now.  Hux continued, “On that topic the type of lubricant that you use is also important.” 

“That was because-” Ben began. 

“Your cousin slicked the floor and it splashed when you landed, I know,” said Hux, who swore he could feel his own brain cells dying when he uttered the sentence.  “But just for your own knowledge, the anus is a mucus membrane, so it can absorb whatever gets used on it.  That’s why suppository medicines work.  So you’re lucky your cousin slicked the floors with… olive oil?” 

“I think so, I didn’t see her do it, so…” Ben trailed off. 

“It’s harmless.  Just be thankful y- she didn’t use anything with a petroleum base.  It wouldn’t have been good for you,” explained Hux. 

“I know, pretty crazy, right?” said Ben with a forced laugh.  He looked Hux over, as if scanning him for a new topic of conversation.  “So you’re…Hux?  What’s the A stand for?” 

“Armitage,” Hux replied. 

“Oh, that’s kind of a mouthful,” noted Ben. 

“Hux is fine,” the nurse replied. 

“Okay.  Um… so, what do you do for fun?” asked Ben. 

“I have a cat.  I suppose most of my free time revolves around her,” said Hux.  “You?” 

“Fencing, believe it or not,” said Ben. 

That was something Hux actually could believe.  Ben had a massive build so he was clearly active.  Hux would have guessed something like wrestling or football, but fencing must have been a good workout, especially if Ben combined it with something like weightlifting.  Hux admitted, “I went to an open practice in Uni once but decided not to join.  I didn’t have the time for it with my studies.  There was a yoga class that fit better with my schedule.”

“Hey, um, I think I can feel it starting to work,” said Ben.  “Am I supposed to feel sleepy?” 

“You’ll be a little lethargic.  Everything should be relaxing,” said Hux.  He checked the clock.  It wasn’t the full twenty minutes but more time had passed than he’d thought. 

“Yeah, I guess it’s a bit like before you go to sleep after a hot bath,” said Ben, moving to lie down. 

“H-hold on, other side please,” said Hux, spinning his finger in the air.  “It’s better if you face the wall.” 

“Oh, yeah…” said Ben, shifting to lie on his other side.  He tried to rearrange the back of the gown to hide his ass.  Hux leaned forward and made sure it draped down a bit more modestly and accidentally drew a gasp from Ben. 

“I told you, I’ve done this before and I’m going to be professional,” assured Hux.

“Look, you’re really nice, but nobody’s…” said Ben. 

“Well, you can’t get it out yourself, and other instruments won’t be gentle enough or give me a good grip.  Does the fact that I’m a man bother you?  I could get one of my colleagues,” suggested Hux.  “We can’t leave it in there.” 

“N-no, a girl would be worse.  I don’t know,” said Ben. 

 For lack of a better word, men were awfully anal about their asses.  Specifically about other people inside their asses.  Hux sighed and assured Ben, “It’s a medical procedure.  At your age you must have had a prostate exam before.” 

“No, I didn’t want anyone in my butt,” protested Ben. 

So aside from little plastic figures Ben hadn’t done anything.  Hux crossed his arms, trying to think of a way to convince Ben that this was as far from taking someone’s virginity as a situation could be.  He’d tried assuring that he was going to be professional and that what he was going to do was very necessary.  He walked around to the other side of the table and looked at Ben, who was shaking and looking at the wall with a mix of shame and embarrassment.  Aside from fishing out Darth Vader, the biggest hurdle was probably Ben’s mental state. 

“Look,” said Hux gently, as if shushing a fussy child who didn’t want the flu shot, “You need this.  I’ve gone through all your options with you and we both seem to agree that this is the best way.  So if there’s something you want me to do to make this better, you need to tell me.  If not, you need to let me do this so I can help you.” 

Ben chewed his lip, flicking his eyes up at Hux before fixing his gaze back on the wall.  “Maybe, don’t use the stretchy thing.” 

“Speculum,” corrected Hux.  “And I’ll see if I can make do without it.  Now, if you can lift your leg and hold it to your chest, we can get started.” 

He also wanted to add that a nurse removing an improvised dildo didn’t count as losing his virginity, but the comment would likely cause more problems than it solved.  It seemed that Ben was finally ready to start, slowly moving his knee towards his chest and hugging it tightly.  Hux got a fresh pair of gloves and made sure his hands were thoroughly lubed up.  He moved back to Ben and said, “I’m going to lift this now and start applying lubricant.” 

“Be gen- careful,” squeaked Ben. 

“Of course,” promised Hux. 

Despite hospitals and medical professionals being a popular fetish, Hux had never gotten turned on from working on patients.  Bodies were there to be healed, and treating an illness or injury was probably the least sexy thing Hux could think of.  He could see how it might be different for Ben though, so Hux made sure to keep it quick and efficient. 

“H-Hey, slow down?” asked Ben. 

“Alright,” said Hux, slowing the motion of his finger.  “I’m going to need you to relax.  If you keep your muscles loose it will be easier for me to reach it.”

“It’s kind of hard,” mumbled Ben. 

Resisting the urge to pat Ben’s shoulder with his gloved hands Hux tried to assure him, “I promise that you’re hardly the first person to have this problem and that I’m going to be very discreet.” 

“Heh, yeah, I guess you don’t like poking around people’s butts,” said Ben with a nervous laugh. 

Quite the opposite, provided it was safe, sane, consensual, with a partner of his own choosing and it wasn’t just after his lunch break.  None of that would assure Ben though, who wasn’t ‘into butt stuff’ as he put it and probably wouldn’t stay calm if he thought Hux was taking pleasure in the procedure or finding it amusing.  He worked on slowly stretching Ben wide enough so he could get a second finger in.  He would need two to get a hold of the toy and start working it out. 

Thankfully Ben was fully relaxed and Hux’s fingers were slender.  It was easy to work his way in and slowly move through the warm, slick passage.  Hux glanced at Ben and asked, “Doing alright?” 

“Mhmm,” Ben grunted quickly, nodding so hard his head threatened to knock against his knee. 

Hux felt something hard with the tip of his finger and Ben let out a whimper.  Hux assured him gently, “I’ve found it.  I’ve just got to make sure it doesn’t get caught or hurt you when it comes out.” 

The Vader figure was quite close to Ben’s prostate, so Hux would have to be careful to avoid stimulating him.  Scissoring his fingers he managed to pinch the figure’s foot with his fingers.  It would be impossible to pull it out.  Hux would have to coax it forwards with persistence and patience.  With careful movements he wriggled it before losing his grip.  The lube helped his fingers move in and out smoothly, but it made grasping difficult. 

He pinched the figures foot again and managed to wiggle it forwards.  What Hux really wanted was to feel where the arms were and make sure that they didn’t anchor themselves onto anything.  Ben seemed alright, despite being tomato red and hugging his leg as if his life depended on it.  Hux couldn’t feel too badly for him though.  He had stuffed the toy inside himself in the first place, and then lied about it repeatedly. 

Hux could now grip the figure’s ankles and was hoping to get to the knees soon.  Ben wriggled so Hux was forced to put a hand on his hip, “Hold still.  If you move it might get pushed in deeper.” 

Ben only whimpered in reply and placed his free hand over his reddened face. 

‘What a baby,’ Hux thought to himself, moving to grab the toy and wiggle it out further.  With every little motion Ben gasped and whined.  Maybe Hux should have given him a sucker before the procedure as a bribe.  He glanced at Ben again, “Are you alright?  You need to tell me if it hurts.” 

“Doesn’t hurt,” groaned Ben. 

If it didn’t then… it seemed that despite Hux’s best efforts Ben was getting turned on.  Hux bit back a sigh and kept going, wriggling Vader enough that he’d gotten to the figure’s waist, and its arms.  As much as he would have loved to rip it out, the helmet looked like it had ridges.  Slowly and gently he eased the figurine out of the passage.  Soon he could see a pair of black boots, followed by black legs and a robotic chest.  Soon the iconic helmet was looking sadly up at him as if it had seen far too much. 

“Got him,” said Hux.  “Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?” 

Ben curled his other leg up and gathered up the gown.  “Mhmm.” 

Hux looked down at the toy and suggested, “You might not want this one back.  Are they easy to replace?” 

“N-no, I want it back,” said Ben.  When Hux looked at him incredulously Ben added, “For my cousin...”

 Hux was confident that he’d never arched his brow higher in his life.  It wasn’t uncommon for people to ask for their things back after they’d been dislodged, but this was ridiculous.  Hux suspected that the cousin in question was made up, though Ben insisted she existed and would want her toy back after it had been shoved up a grown man’s ass.  The most likely scenario was that the toy did belong to Ben and he was lying to save face, but the idea that Hux might be allowing him to return the Vader toy to a child was incredibly disturbing.  He could just imagine her wrinkled nose as she asked why it smelled funny. 

“It’s her favorite, so…she’d really like it back?” said Ben awkwardly, fidgeting and keeping his crotch covered. 

“I’ll need to clean and disinfect it,” said Hux.  “If you want to go back to the waiting room I can hand it off to you there.” 

“Sure, that’d be great,” said Ben, looking from Hux to the door hopefully. 

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Hux obliged him.  Washing the toy was easy, and he made certain the be very generous with the amount of disinfectant he used.  If there was even the slightest chance that Vader was going to wind up in the hands of an actual child then Hux wanted to make sure it was free from anything that could make her sick.  He convinced himself that there wasn’t actually a child at Ben’s home, that Ben had invented her for his farce, but there was a lingering doubt and feeling of guilt. 

Hux also wondered if he ought to send Ben home with a sucker for being brave.  It was a touch patronizing, but Ben wasn’t going to accept a pamphlet on proper masturbatory practices.  Either way, Hux pocketed a bright green sucker after discarding yet another pair of gloves.  He always went through multiple pairs a day, but he felt like he’d been through more than usual. 

Returning to the waiting room, Hux was suddenly struck by how tall Ben was.  Now that he wasn’t slouching anymore or bending over he’d become a massive mountain of a man.  Combined with how broad he was, Hux felt perfectly miniscule despite being taller than average. 

“Mr. Solo?” asked Hux, trying to get his attention. 

“Ben,” the man corrected. 

Hux handed him the sealed plastic bag with the little Vader inside it.  Ben took it a quickly pocketed it.  Hux looked up at him and couldn’t help thinking about how easily Ben could lift him.  If only the man wasn’t his patient, as well as an incurable moron.  None the less, Hux found himself stammering, “I, uh, also have this, for your cousin?”

He held up the sucker.  Ben looked it over, slightly taken aback.  He pinched it between his hulking fingers.  No wonder he hadn’t been able to reach the toy.  Between feelings of panic and how large his fingers were it would have been a miracle if he could have fit more than one inside. 

“Thanks,” said Ben.  He nodded and looked around awkwardly before saying, “Well, uh, see you?” 

“Come back if you have any concerns,” said Hux as amicably as he could manage. 

   *** 

“Ben…when I said come back if you have concerns…” 

Hux looked down at the candy and rose that had been brutishly shoved in his arms.  Oddly enough the candy tin had a picture of the exact character Hux had removed from Ben’s ass on it.  Ben wasn’t listening and pulled out his wallet, showing off a pair of tickets.  “I checked with the reception lady and she says you’re off.  You should come with me.  Please?” 

Hux had never had a patient ask him out.  In spite of that his main concern was that if Ben was such a disaster when he masturbated would they be able to have sex at all?  Would Hux have to give him a lesson before hand?  He might have to if he didn’t want Ben shoving something bizarre inside him. 

“Please say yes.  Nobody believed me when I said I had a date,” pleaded Ben. 

While Ben’s social life wasn’t Hux’s problem and the whole thing was on incredibly short notice, Hux couldn’t help it.  The man was like a big, sad puppy who he couldn’t bring himself to say no to.  He’d also be lying if he said there wasn’t any physical attraction at all.  Ben was cute.  Stupid, but cute. 

“I need to go home and feed my cat first,” said Hux. 

“G-great!” said Ben.  He hugged Hux tightly, causing the redhead to squeak in surprise.  He hadn’t been hugged in ages and Ben could practically circle his middle two times over.  “I’ll wait for your shift to end and I’ll drive you home.” 

He had a car?  That was a bonus.  Hux usually just took the bus.  Getting a ride home in a car was an unexpected luxury. 

“Oh, uh, one more thing,” said Ben.  He reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a little white plush toy.  Hux recognized it, but it took him a moment to place it.  It was one of those Stormtrooper things from the movies.  Ben placed it on top of the growing pile and gave it a pat.  “That’s a thanks for before, and the sucker.” 

Hopefully the shower of gifts had ended.  Hux simply couldn’t carry anymore and he wasn’t sure if everything would fit in his locker.  Still, he couldn’t help wondering, “What would you have done if I’d said no?” 

“Probably gone back to my car and cried,” admitted Ben.  “It’s just, you’re really cute and also, sort of, my first… gotta do right by you and all.” 

Hux grinned and worked on tucking his gifts under his arm.  Easing up to Ben slowly, Hux reminded him, “That wasn’t a first.  That was me doing my job."   

"Well, uh...I really like when you do your job.  And, look, I wasn't into it but uh...you, and well... _you_ ," Ben tried to explain, waving his hands around as if it would somehow explain his attraction and losing his aversion to 'butt-stuff'.  

"If you want I can show you what a real first time is like," Hux suggested quietly.  "After the film."  

Ben turned bright red, but gave a genuine smile as he said, “Yeah.  I think I want that.” 


End file.
